I want Mylah to grow up confident in the family she's in...and confident in the skin she's in. Adoption will play a big role in her life, but it shouldn't define her. She is not "our adopted child", she is simply "our child". When I speak of Brennan and Ivey I don't say, "Brennan, my biological child....". It's the same with adopted children. We should not refer to them as the adopted child when speaking of them. Most of them know they are adopted, just as bio. children know they are bio. We do not need to clarify this when speaking of them. Now, this changes a bit when speaking to strangers about our family. Like at church, we may meet someone new who is curious about how our family was formed. I don't mind at all "defining" my children in these moments, because it is done to educate someone about adoption and how it has blessed our family. Of course during a time like that I may say something like "We adopted Mylah as an infant through private domestic adoption". Let me give an example of something that would be offensive to an adopted child though. Let's say you are a friend of mine and my family is at your child's birthday party. You are introducing us to another family. Please never say something like, "This is Danny, Amber, Brennan, Ivey, and their adopted daughter Mylah". You wouldn't point out that Brennan and Ivey are bio. Most people are going to get it by just looking at us....I mean look at us! LOL They can ask questions, and I don't mind answering about how one of our children looks so much different from us. It's just not polite to label an adopted child when introducing them.
Adoption is by no means second best.The way we talk-and the words we choose-say alot about what we think and value. Family ties formed by adoption are no "less real" than those formed by blood. For example, Brennan and Ivey are not MORE sisters just because they share the same DNA. Mylah is just as equally Brennan's sister as Ivey is. Biology is a great connection too, it's just not what makes them sisters. Biology just comes in handy if you need a kidney or something like that! My kids are just my kids. One is not better than the other because she is biological and not adopted. Adoption is a way to build a family, just as birth is. Both are important, but one is not more important than the other.
I AM Mylah's mommy :) We are her FOREVER FAMILY. She is not borrowed, not on loan, and not going back to her birth mom. She was not stolen or taken, but instead, lovingly placed in our family by a precious woman. A woman who for her own valid reasons, chose me to be Mylah's mommy. "T" and I spent 3 nights and 4 days together at the time of Mylah's birth. She told me over and over again things like "You feed her, you're her mom"..."You change her, you are her mom", and when the birth certificate lady came "T" said "You tell her the name you want on the paperwork, you are her mom." If "T" were here right now and you asked her "Who is Mylah's mom?" She would tell you, without hesitation, that it is me. I know this because "T" and I talk frequently and we have a great relationship. "T" would also tell you that she is Mylah's birth mom. "T" has 3 children that she is parenting. She knows how tough a mom's job is, and she knows what makes a mom. "T" was adopted herself, and will be the 1st to tell you that DNA is not what makes a mommy and daddy. So often I hear things like..."Have you talked to Mylah's mom lately?" or, "I saw the pics of Mylah's mom on your blog, that is so sweet". I try to gently correct by saying "Oh yeah, I talked to her birth mom last week and she is doing well". But, the terminology never seems to stick. If you spend one day with me and Mylah you will see that I am 100% her mom, regardless of who birthed her. She calls me "MaMa", and it's one of the sweetest things I've ever heard! :) If you hold a picture up of "T" and one of me and ask Brennan or Ivey..."Point to Mylah's mom" they will point to me without even having to think about it. Mommies wipe noses, dry tears, get up at all hours of the night to feed or change a diaper, worry about their kids when they are sick, go to Dr. visits, ect....I am the only woman who does all this and more for Mylah. I am her mom.
I have a biological father out there, somewhere! Lord only knows where! Is he my father? My dad? Just because we share DNA? Absolutely not! I have had no relationship with him since I was three years old. He's never even sent me a birthday card, probably doesn't even remember what day I was born. I don't have a "dad". I have a step-father whom I call by his first name "George". He loves me, and I love him...but he is not my dad. He didn't come into my life until I was in High School. I guess I was just a little old to feel like I needed a dad at that point, so he was simply "George". I guess that's sortof the way I see Mylah's relationship with her birthmom going. I think they will love one another, but she will simply be "T"...not mom. Mom or dad is someone who raises you, and shares your life with you on a daily basis...not just occassionally.
Now, pretend for a minute that YOU are Mylah. You are 3, 4, 5 years old (something like that). You are at the grocery store. Along comes Sally, (who apparently didn't read this post! LOL). Sally says to me,"When is the last time you talked to Mylah's mom?" Now, what is Mylah thinking? A) Who is this weird lady asking my mom when is the last time she talked to herself? B) This lady must be really confused C) Where is the candy isle?! Do you see how this could be problematic for a small child who was adopted? Children think in very concrete terms. When you say "MOM", Mylah is always going to think of me. By using positive adoption language, you can help families like ours. Please choose to use positive adoption language, instead of the more negative words that perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. For example, birth mom is appropriate because it explains a woman who gave birth to a child, but is not raising him/her.
Here are some positive and negative words frequently used when speaking of adoption:
POSITIVE:
1) Birth Parent
2) Biological Parent
3) Their Child
4) Birth father/Bio. Father
5) Make an adoption plan
6) Parent
***I tried to line the columns up side by side but it did not work!
NEGATIVE:
1) Real Parent
2) Natural Parent
3) Adopted Child
4) Real Father
5) Give away, give up
6) Adoptive Parent
Please don't think to yourself "Oh Lord....she was talking about me when she wrote all this!" The truth is, that I am talking about 90% of the people who are reading this...not just you! LOL I am just asking you all to please try....for the sake of Mylah's self confidence in knowing where and to whom she belongs.
BLESSINGS~
Amber
